Dating in the trend zone

vampire and werewolf2My idea of how a dating dialogue might go down given current trends in movies and literature…

Werewolf with bondage issues looking for fat vampire chick with low self esteem and a tolerance for wet dog odor. Pet psychics need not apply.

FVC: Interesting opener. Are you really a werewolf?

WW: Are you really fat?

FVC: Define really.

WW: Exactly.

FVC: Okay, fat is on a spectrum. You can actually be a little pudgy. Werewolf is like being pregnant – you either are or you aren’t.

WW: Then define werewolf. I mean, I do have a lot of hair.

FVC: Do you or do you not change form during a full moon and rampage about the countryside killing anything that crosses your path?

WW: Um…well no, not so much. But I do like a rare steak at the Outback.

FVC: So not a werewolf.

WW: Look, everyone exaggerates on these sites. I wanted to sound interesting.

FVC: What kind of bondage are you into?

WW: I didn’t say I was into it. I said I have issues with it. Me no likee. Anyway, enough about me. Are you really a vampire?

FVC: Don’t be ridiculous. There are no such things as vampires. However, I have seen all three Twilight movies, and I only laughed out loud two or three times.

WW: How about the pet psychic thing?

FVC: See my last reply.

WW: *sigh* I know there aren’t really any pet psychics, but there are people who think they are pet psychics. They freak me out.

FVC: Fair enough. No, I’m not a pet psychic. However, my self-esteem is fine and I’m not really into wet dog odor.

WW: I have a dog. I have to bathe him occasionally. He doesn’t like it.

FVC: I can probably tolerate that much.

WW: So if I reworded my ad to say “Normal guy with normal dog looking for normal woman to go have a steak with,” would you have responded?

FVC: Probably not.

WW: So, would you like to go get a steak with me? Say tomorrow?

FVC: Okay. Obviously, it will have to be after sunset.

WW: Then better make it Saturday – the moon will be waning by then.

 

 

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